I need to write here more regularly and show the positives in life… 

I realise that I should write in happy and in sad terms times – I’ve neglected my blog – Where am I up to … I’m ok – I was taking strong painkillers daily from having a bad back – and I’ve managed to stop them totally ( much harder than I thought it would be) – I’ve finally run out of money – still single – learning to live alone – staying strong – to 

  • Been to London twice 
  • Dancing in London 
  • Had fun with my children 
  • Watched movies – Manchester by the Sea, Moonlight, A quiet passion. 
  • Loved Line of duty 
  • Started knitting a scarf 
  • Read 10 books 
  • Enjoyed working 
  • Started making batch meals to save money 
  • Clearing the house 
  • Been on a date ( not suitable) 
  • Seen an ex but need to change that … 
  • gardening 
  • Working on the house to get lodgers.
  • Yoga 
  • Lots of walking 
  • Lakedistrict Cartmel
  • Lyme Park
  • Raw food diet retreat ( never again)  

Finding yourself , just for you … 

I’ve been working really hard this last few weeks to stay strong, and be strong – what I have achieved – This Year 

  • Been on 2 retreats ( yoga) 
  • Been meditating everyday 
  • Come off a major pain killer
  • Feeling happier 
  • Feeling more contented 
  • Read 3 books 
  • Light candles everyday 
  • Bought a Fitbit and aim to do 8,000 steps per day 
  • Gone our loads with my daughter 
  • Been to a caleigh ( great fun) 
  • Grown in confidence at work 
  • Started antidepressants 
  • Watch 2 brilliant movies – Lion and Lala land 
  • Been to London

Actually it looks impressive on paper – I’m determined not to let my life be dominated by men. 

Devastated… How can I keep staying strong? 

Well my instincts and my panics and anxiety were all right. 

My new boyfriend ( this is been going on since August ) ended it all tonight. 

He said that although he is 100% attracted to my personality and me as a person , but I’m not his type and although he has tried to overcome this. It’s making him feel unsure and he doesn’t want to end / hurt me further down the line. What the fuck? That’s just crazy… I am an attractive woman – sexy sassy and good looking . My usual problem is men want to sleep with me but don’t want a deep meaningful relationship with me… 

We get on brilliantly in so many ways and I know we would make a brilliant partnership, but if it’s all about looks that’s ridiculous. 

Anyway I’ve accepted its over and I’m gutted – absolutely gutted – My whole Christmas and New Year were based around him ( at his request) and now it’s all not on. 

I’m really scared I don’t think I can take many more knocks in life – I need something to go my way … I frightened that I’m not going to cope and I’m going to fall apart – what can I do? I feel so alone now … me and my tears 

You have choices …

I guess I have choices, I feel so low because all my hopes for over Christmas have been dashed. It was going to be a Christmas full of romance and love… all tossed aside. 

I’ve felt so miserable, but I do have a choice about how I react to all of this… He’s clearly not worth the brain space that you are giving him. Did you see the signs coming – I guess if I had stepped back perhaps… The doctor said don’t push yourself to be better – I guess don’t fill your time with things to block your feelings. 

I actually hate Christmas – the forced joviality and fake fun… Christmas for me feels sad and lonely. My children are amazing , but they are teens and they are growing up and doing their own thing. I feel very alone, I feel like I’m never going to meet someone that’s going to love me, and care about me… I wish I could develop some inner strength and be the person I want to be… and not feel sad a lot of the time. 

I’ve booked two different yoga trips. Over new year – I’m hoping to kick start my year with a healthy bang.